June 2, 2008 - aaahhhhh
I failed to mention that I finally got my co-op placement two weeks ago as my campus's Cultural Affairs Assistant, which so far has included menial tasks involving paper, paper, paper, and more paper pushing and filing and reorganizing. Well, I also have been researching a list of potential authors and musical artists they want to bring it for the 08/09 season - that was interesting. I was also given the exciting task of coming up with different promotional/marketing ideas and renaming our department (Cultural Affairs sounds too dry and boring and misleading as they have only been pushing 'arts' towards people, not necessarily everything that is encompassed in the world 'culture' - if so, then the office should probably include food, etc among its list of activities - I don't know. Any ideas?!).
I'm actually typing this in the office right now - I don't know if this is appropriate or not, but my bosses aren't coming in today and this is my break (and I can do whatever I want during break time, right?). I probably should go outside in the sun and thaw out a bit, my office is freaking freezing. Combined with my being tired and caffeine deprived, I'm pretty sure I'm going to fall asleep at any moment. The cold isn't helping.
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May 30, 2008 - do you want me, do you not?
I really don't know what to think anymore. Liking somebody shouldn't turn you into an insecure, bitter and incredibly messed up and confused person, does it?
At this point in my life where I feel as if I need to go through some major, major, major changes. I'm going to be 20 in a few months (oh god).
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April 19, 2008 - feeling like my old self again
March 21, 2008. Good Friday.
01.
I'm not sure where to start. It always feels so strange to blog again after not doing it regularly. My life has been incredibly boring and unsatisfying, consisting of work, essay writing, periodic mental breakdowns, frustrated anger -- and I came to tell you that I'm feeling great again. How cliche, it being spring and all that, but I do feel new like some leaf uncurling at the smell of rain and the light of dawn. Perhaps it's the combination of the good weather, the end of the school year, and feeling satisfied with my exams (I've written three so far, three more to go and I'm going to New York City [hopefully]).
02.
I may be falling in love again. Except, it's with somebody I've never met and it's been making me feel absolutely ridiculous and silly. I'm not one to look down at these sorts of things, two of my friends at work found their boyfriends online - and they're both very sweet and normal guys - it never seemed like the sort of thing that'd work with me. He doesn't even live closeby and I don't even know if we will ever meet or if I want to meet him at all. But he's...interesting. Okay, I think he's a bit of a weirdo. The guy's main source of nutrition is from vitamin pills and health supplements, because he refuses to eat vegetables unless it's like tomatoes on a pizza. He's also never eaten rice or nutella and despises going out in the sun. That is strange, right? [Er, from my description it sounds like he's some palid fat lives in his mother's basement game nerd - he's not, he's just one out of the four....] But I already have 2 archived msn conversation logs saved. We'll see what happens. I'm not too concerned about it.
03.
I'm absolutely in love with whole living magazines, especially body + soul. Their current April issue is just gorgeous and all about going green, which is what I'm going to try to do this summer. My list of things to do?
[x] Stop using plastic bags
[x] Unplug laptop + electrical gadgets at night
[x] Recycle and/or find creative ways to reuse papers
04.
I've finally started writing down my Life List. I'm going to break it down and reorganize it, but here's a peak:
[x] Watch the Northern Lights
[x] Go Zorbing in New Zealand
[x] Learn a third language
[x] Improve my writing
[x] Go scuba diving
[x] Visit all Canadian provinces and territories, mainly Newfoundland & Labrador
[x] Publish a photobook
[x] Read 100 "Classics"
[x] Visit the pyramids on all continents [Asia, Americas, Africa]
[x] Read the whole of Remembrance of Things Past by Proust
[x] Attend a Gay Pride parade
[x] Read 2+ books a month
05.
I've been rejected by two co-op job posters. One didn't even interview me. Right now, I'm starting to get nervous and bitter about the whole situation. Throughout the past three months it's been either the jobs that I want are too far away, requiring financial sacrifice on my part, or they're looking for 'graduate' students with considerable amount of experience - which I don't have. In retrospect, perhaps I should have just applied to any job, but I didn't want to run the risk of getting one that I didn't want at all and spend my summer miserably dragging myself out of bed day after day and feeling like a zombie.
Right now two new job postings have opened up. [1] Education Assistant for a museum summer camp and [2] Project Assistant for mural project by Mural Routes. I'm really excited for [2] though. The pay isn't great, but it sounds really fun, something that I would get excited waking up for every day. Hopefully I won't get a lot of competition, since it's the end of the school year and by now most people should have found their co-op placements. I'm sending my resume and coverletter today.
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March 11, 2008 - dirty messy things
I suppose I simply cannot deny it anymore: that tendency of mine towards self-sobotage. Why else would I have gone and persisted on doing something I knew would muck things up between me and Certain Person B? Was it some sort of sick enjoyment at depravity and misery and drama? That constant need to wallow in self-pity that I thought I had grown out of? (But apparently I haven't)
I had an inkling he liked her, somebody else, but I was never quite sure. He kept denying it and denying it and I just kept pushing it and pushing it and finally he caved and said that yes he did. And something broke. I wanted to cry. I don't know what I was expecting. I knew it, didn't I? I damn well suspected it, but I just wanted to be proven wrong. What the hell was I expecting? That'd he'd go, "No. It's you that I like." How ridiculous. How naive. How silly of me to hope.
Then he asked why I cared so much.
I couldn't answer honestly. How could I? So I resorted to being a bitch and ruined things even more by being incredibly bitter and sarcastic.
"I already told you I like her, I said I like a lot of people."
"Because your feelings are soooo complex, right?"
"They are! Don't you patronize me!"
"So are everybody's!"
"It's not that kind of like --"
"Is it love?"
"I was about to say that it's the same kind of "like" I have for you."
"Oh, and what is that?"
"Okay, I'm starting to like her more than you right now."
Part of me is embarassed and ashamed.
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February 20, 2008 - Hey guys, important notice
I've sort of moved over to here now: http://www.ipernity.com/blog/35409
I'll probably keep my efx2blog for more personal & private thoughts, since I've pretty much let my friends know about my ipernity account. So, if you comment, please nothing dirty (looking at you sic!). I have to shield them from knowing what a messed up and screwed up bunch the internetz peoples are.
Hahaha, nevermind! You can't add comments unless you're a member. Hm. That sucks. :(
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February 10, 2008 - dead in the eyes
What is it about February that just slowly sucks the life out of everybody? I'm almost done my second year of university, I should be happy about that at least.
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February 7, 2008 - we're just a bunch of elitist snob sitting on our pedestals way up high
I am not an artist. This is what I told my newest hairdresser a few months ago as she was busy putting gunks and chemicals in my hair. She scoffed and laughed at me - I was slightly horrified that she did it so openly and we barely know each other too - when I told her I was going to go into "Arts Management" and perhaps become a curator. I don't think she understood what Arts Management/Arts Administration was and I didn't care enough to explain it fully to her, and anyway, she would have still laughed, I think, and told me I should do something more with my life - because God put you on earth for a reason - like becoming a doctor, a nurse, a lawyer, or work in immigration department - to help your people get through.
"Do you think you were put into this world to watch people's painting?"
"Well..."
"Do you? You think God put on you on this earth to watch a bunch of white people's paintings?"
"....."
I wasn't exactly sure how to respond to that. There were so many things wrong with what she said that I really didn't know where to start. Plus, I am not a confrontational person, I wouldn't have challenged her even if I knew how. But it really did give me a new perspective.
Not only did it baffle me that there were people out there who didn't know what a curator/art historian did, but that it also had been the first time that anyone ever brought up my ethnicity as being some sort of "issue" in such a direct and hostile way (well, it felt like it). I am quite aware the art history world is dominated by people of European descent, mostly you know, "white men" - but it never occurred to me to feel any sort of discomfort about this. I realize that this is very naive of me, and it's perhaps a testament to what a great and safe sheltered life I've lived, but it's true.
It really got me thinking about a lot of things. Her comments really disturbed me actually. I should have gotten mad that a total stranger was saying these things to me, but I think she truly meant well. At the very least, she made me realize just how distanced I am from all that. I mean, the only black friend I have is also mixed - and she's pretty much white washed - and I don't know any of my Zambian relatives. And my only contact with black/African culture and history is through the T.V and the radio.
Hm.
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February 5, 2008 - OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
I have three midterms in one day. I have three midterms in one day. I have three midterms in one day. And it's not like it's finals where you get days off to study. No, I still have assignments due on the same day! I still have to go to lectures. So, how am I feeling right now? I am close to crying. I am scared shitless. I've never ever even had two tests in one day, so please tell me how am I suppose to do this?
But I'm gonna suck it up.
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January 25, 2008 - at my school's "market place"
I gave up on the 365 days project. No time, no motivation, and sick and tired of looking at myself. It was fun while it lasted though. I also just realized that I haven't been posting any of my other non-self-portrait pictures, so if you're interested you can go have a look there.
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January 24, 2008 - My Anal-Retentive Ways & I
Last night, or this early morning, I was talking to somebody about their strange OCD-like habits and decided to compile a list of my own. Cause really, who wants to be out-weirded? I think mine are more like quirks and being an uptight bitch than an actual compulsion disorder.
01. When going out with friends, I will always get upset and slightly grumpy if I don't know the exactly where we're going and what we will be doing.
02. I blame yearbook training for this. It always bugs me whenever I'm peer editing someone's paper and see that their margins are not 1" at all sides. I get compelled to fix it for them. I also devote a lot of time debating the aesthetics of leaving my papers left aligned or justified.
03. Unfortunately, I can't do this all the time, but I always try to organize people's items properly whenever I'm bagging a large transaction. I like arranging boxed items from tallest to shortest. It pleases me so!
That's all that I can think for now....
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January 21, 2008 - no title needed
Dear You,
I am currently sitting at my desk, attempting to write my first assignment of the new year in my brand new chair, with the door of my room wide open and the smell of biryani, from the kitchen, wafting in. My fingertips are cold and I'm still wearing my hat and scarf from today's outing. I'm feeling content at the moment. But I think I forgot how to express properly though. There was a time when I would have tried to shovel down elaborate metaphors and imagery down your throat, but nowadays I feel as dry as the textbooks I read for class.
It hasn't started well for Toronto this year. A lot of deaths. Every night someone has been stabbed, shot, fallen off some dangerous heights, etc. I wonder what's happening. Or maybe I'm just paying more attention to the news now?
Hope you're doing well.
Love,
P
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January 10, 2008 - batshit insane, y/n?
I am now officially taking seven courses this semester. Oh, I don't know. I think I can do it, I am certainly motivated to try it - but we all know staying motivated is one of the hardest thing to do. I can always drop one of them if it gets too hard. I work best when slightly stressed anyway, it really improves, albeit forcefully, my time management skill.
In other news, I felt my first burst of "OMG LEARNING IS FUN AGAIN, GIVE ME KNOWLEDGE!!! NOW!" today during my TOPICS IN THE VISUAL GLOBAL CULTURE class. I was literally buzzing with excitement. It's like Cultural Theory mixed with Art History. The professor called herself a "Cultural Historian" and I'm like half in love with her already.
Edit:
I finally decided on a New Year's Resolution: to become more familiar with the Toronto art scene.
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January 8, 2008 - Day 128/365...I NEED AN EFFIN' TRIPOD
No, I have no idea why I don't have a boyfriend either. Hahahahahaha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Oh. Awkward much? But seriously, it's not like I'm fugly, right? RIGHT? Don't answer. I was talking to my best friend about this problem of mine, basically, my inability to attract boys...or maybe more like my talent at scaring them away with my awkward conversations and inability to fake interest and laugh playfully and bat my eyelashes and play coy (I don't know - it's what you do when you flirt, right?). According to her, I have a tendency to make other people feel awkward and uncomfortable....mostly by remaining "silent". Yes, well, when I don't have anything to say, I don't have anything to say!
"You're cute. You can be silly and fun at times, but you're mostly an uptight bitch 80% of the time."
"..."
"Snobbish, judgmental, condescending, control freak, anal -"
"Er...yeah. You can stop now."
"You asked."
Whatever.
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About Me
...with a dash of extra stupid.
Friends
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sic
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